I was sweating… profusely.
This was only to be expected – I did just get out of the long queue to step into the IR’s office and out again. Yes, there’s always a long wait before you get to the IRM at NARK Co.
It’s hell. Don’t ask how I got here.
But I’m getting out…
The only thing is, if you want to have your exit interview with Yammy, you have to go through Infernal Resources.
Bureaucracy is a rather harsh punishment for us common sinners.
Time to talk to Yammy.
Rule #1: Bring samosas if you want to get anywhere with Yammy
I wasn’t stupid enough to forget that!
Rule #2: Always knock before you enter.
The closed door policy was put in place for a reason. Yammy’s office trysts with Lucy were rather well-known and that woman was the Devil! You wouldn’t want to walk in on something like that.
I rapped the door smartly and waited for Yammy to invite me in.
Yammy’s office was one of the finest in the building, with mahogany doors and lush interiors. But for some reason, I resented it thoroughly.
“Come in,” boomed Yammy’s voice.
Rule #3: Always assume that he needs a smoke.
I lit up a fag and said, “Hey, boss. We need to talk. Here, light one up with me.”
Yammy was pleased.
With a loud, booming voice, he said, “Nirvana! You son of a bitch! I haven’t seen you since Jio banned porn and we lost all our marketing contracts for Buzzers and Naughty Armenia in India.”
NARK Co. is hell.
Literally. It’s also a digital marketing company.
Again, don’t ask how I got here.
There are 28 permanent employees in NARK Co. – these are the Yamdoots. The Japanese call them the Shinigami ever since our dealings with the Yakuza.
The idea behind NARK Co. is simple – market the brands that no one else will. Their most lucrative offering is Influencer Marketing (under the influence).
Whatever marketing happens here is a full 5-10 years ahead of the rest of the industry. In short, the things that I am going to talk about, the rest of the world will execute years from now.
As you can probably imagine, we had a pretty neat turnover. Except, Yammy decided that he’d only accept payment in… well, kind. Cash was too mainstream.
Now, I was leaving NARK Co. after a two-year stint here for a job at SWARG Pvt. Ltd.
And I was walking into my exit interview
“Yeah, you’re going to see a lot less of me from now on, Yammy.”
“What? Not the cash payment thing again, I’ve told you a hundred times – AK-47s are now tax deductible as long as you don’t eat beef. You’re not eating beef, are you?”
“I’m joining SWARG Pvt. Ltd.”
“Oh… well, what about your notice period?”
“You remember when we launched ‘Big Loss’ and you sent me to participate because no one else was available?”
“Consider it served.”
“That’s… OK, that’s fair, but what’s going on with your brands? What strategies are we using for whom?”
“Well, it’s a long list. I handled a shit ton of brands.
We have been dealing with organized crime. It’s all in the spreadsheet that I mailed you. They’re particularly anal about keeping things organized.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s going on with the Bratva?”
“Well, considering their offerings, we created an app that lets you update what you’re thinking about on Freakbook. It was an instant hit with all the freaks.”
“What? WHY DID WE DO THAT?”
“Well, as you know, the rest of the world catches on to what NARK Co. does after 5-10 years. We secretly monitored the information that everyone was thinking of and promoted our products accordingly. Our ideal target audience is a sad person. Or a happy person. Or a bored person. Oh, and broke. They have to be shit broke to drink this stuff.”
“Oh. Well, that’s actually quite good. Takes sentiment analysis to a whole new level. We’re not just measuring emotions now, we’re… farming them.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Nice! What about the Yakuza? Are they still pissed about Kill Jill?”
“Yep. I still get a few death threats. Mostly necrophilia. Recreational stuff, you understand.”
“Yeah… what are we doing with them now?”
“Mostly VR. We managed to integrate virtual reality devices with ad platforms. The new versions of the VR systems come with voice recognition as well. So, the ad systems take voice inputs to initiate their CTAs. No clicks, touches, or swipes.”
“Nice! So, we are essentially creating an immersive VR experience and allowing people to go through to the advertisement.”
“That about sums it up. And we’re doing it rather successfully. Gun purchases went up by 87% in just 3 months. We’re doing a similar thing for the Triads, only the language options are in Mandarin and Cantonese only.”
“But Nirvana, we handle accounts of terrorism as well. What’s going on with Bal Kaida, BasKar, and Gaaliban?”
“Those maintained by the suicide chatbots. We got the idea from the hit movie franchise featuring Bomb Cruise – Mission Implausible.”
“Why suicide bots?”
“Privacy is a major concern with Multi-National Crusaders like Bal Qaida, BasKar, and Gaaliban right now.
To ensure effective Public Covert Operations and brand communications, we ensured that the messages would be delivered, copied to the hard-drive, and deleted from the network. It’s clean, effective, and no one can blame the Messenger. It self-destructs anyway.”
“That’s a nice idea! So, we are capitalizing on the fact that privacy is actually easy to sell and by converting public communications into something private and decentralized, it’s actually more personal. I really like that. Personalized communications ARE the future. Can you, er… show me how to set those up? I’m sure Lucy would appreciate that.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, but Lucy already uses that with ‘side-deals’ so that you don’t find out. The anti-freelancing policy… you know how it is!”
“Oh. Wait, what?!”
“Moving on, there are our accounts of Sponsored Crime sponsored by the SBL.”
“Well, sure… what’s going on with them?”
“We were running out of places to advertise. So, we started advertising by creating video games. Our contact with WhyOh Interactive got us published as the latest installment of the ‘Hitman’ game series. Hitman: Rehired. We saw a boost in 300% with black money transactions in India, except during LUNCH hours.”
“What’s wrong with the lunch hour?”
“They’re a Nationalist Bank. So, they have the perks of a National Bank even if they fund violent agendas.”
“I see. So, we are creating immersive content that is aimed to be an addictive long-form advertisement! That’s actually very futuristic. Kudos!”
“Thanks, Yammy. But Pappu doesn’t want to go the same route as his Pappa with the Indian National Constraint. As you probably remember, Pappa was assassinated. So, we have been get some very foolish trolls failing to troll us on Bitter.”
“Bitter is the newest social media app. It’s a place where you can vent and curse every time you feel pouty and bitter. It’s a social healing app that no one takes seriously.”
“I like that. I’m going to vent about how I thought that Lucy was being exclusive with NARK Co. So, every social platform will be driven by specific agendas then?”
“Pretty much… That’s the new jam. There are accounts of Petty Crime. These are the accounts of lowest import. They usually get the maximum sentence – the credit sentence, that is. Most of these have absolutely no records.”
“Alright, what do we do to market these people?”
“We don’t really have to do a lot. This profession is actually a career launcher. They’ll be in Parliament soon. So, just SEO… We just keep building local citations for them.”
“We still use Local Citations for SEO?”
“Yeah, and we’ll be using it five years from now too.There are accounts of Corruption as well.”
“I’m aware. Amit Wah is a close friend.”
“Oh, I know. He issued Bhakt Credit Scores and DeTM accounts to us all. Apparently, it was Made in China and caused several big corporations in the finance world to lose thousands of dollars in Indian investment.
There are several accounts of Impulse Crime. This is our biggest cash cow. To find multiple accounts in this vertical, we invested a lot of money in bribing old people. We just showed them ads that Acche Din will be here. We also set up several peace-oriented Faithbook groups such as the ‘Anti-Romeo Squad’ and ‘Gaurakshak Samiti’.”
“I see, so political ads will be taking a much bigger turn in 5-10 years, then?”
“Oh, for sure. Faithbook is dedicated entirely for political advertisement.”
“I see… I wish you weren’t leaving, Nirvana. You contributed quite a lot in terms of new and innovative advertising solutions for some very difficult brands. As you know, most of our employees opt out of our severance package as it involves severing off their packages. I assume that you’ve handed over all the right documents to everyone concerned?”
“Sure. Don’t worry about the replacement. It’s hell. People will always stumble on to this place.”
“Keep in touch?”
“It’ll have to be a cold day in Hell. You know how much I hate the heat.”
We both chuckled for a while.
“By the way, Nirvana, we’re launching the next season of our namesake web series… You know, NARKCos. Your contract with us doesn’t expire until we end the series…”